Leaning into the Lord

 

By Trinda Jocelyn 

I find myself at a time in my life when things are really good. 

I mean it. 

I have a husband who loves me, and not the bare minimum kind of love. We live in a beautiful home, and we are surrounded by loads of fabulous family and friends who are there for us, and we are there for them. I have a good job, and freelancing has picked up, showing promise as a full-time gig working from home; a dream I hold onto as I brave up to leap into the entrepreneurial unknown. My husband has a good, stable job with the bonus of job security attached to it. 

My kids are out of this world amazing. Two of them have jobs and my biggest worry most days is whether they have done their homework, helped with chores, or made it work on time. It is at times unclear to me how I was so blessed.  

Please –  don’t hear life is perfect. We struggle. I struggle. The kids struggle: they are all teenagers after all, and any parent who has been down that path know what I am talking about. You are cringing, aren’t you? 

When I initially sat down to write this article – what feels like months ago now – the struggle was very real to me. I have this amazing life, and inside I just wanted to cease existing, I was attempting to keep my head above that metaphorical surface. Honestly, in February last year, I just wanted to lay in bed and fall apart.  

At that very same time, while I was trying to drag myself out of bed every day, I had so many friends that were going through crazy life circumstances. To give you an idea of what was going on all at once with various people in my life: major surgery, near death, saying goodbye to loved ones as they passed on, people fighting cancer, friends with teenage kids struggling in ways that I can’t imagine having to deal with as a mother.  

And then there was sad little me. I couldn’t wrap my brain around how I was feeling the way that I did in my good life in comparison to how the people I was witnessing in their struggle were so strong.  

During this time, I was spending time learning about and understanding empathy better, and so I listened to my friends, and as I did, there was this thread that wove through much of the conversation. It was hope, and then I realized holding the end of that thread of hope was God, and He was nurturing that lifeline for each of them.  

Each one of the people in my circles was sinking into their faith. All of these people have different denominations and worship differently than me, but at the end of the day, they were leaning into God with the belief that whatever happened, they weren’t alone in their turmoil. 

It was a realization for me; I had not been leaning into God the way that I should. I shared my struggle and feeling with a couple of close friends and asked for prayer and then I had a conversation with God. I asked that He would put that faith back into me or at least reveal what was already there, show me the joy in my life, and pull me out of my sadness. And He has stayed true to that request, and I know He always will.  

I am not happy every day; I still have self-doubt and all the feels that being human entails, but my focus has been displaced from my sadness and if I were honest – myself. That focus is becoming more purposeful and brave, and I am going to be a person who stops feeling bad for myself and show up for people: the very people who showed me where I needed correction in my life without saying a word.  

So, thank you friends – I am thankful for your beautiful spirits and the way in which you lay an example for those around as you travel through life and the unwitting difference you have made in my life.